As you can tell I like horror movies. The sad thing is that since I wrote this in 01 I have seen movies that are possibly worse than anything on this list (Axe 'em). Who knows maybe one day I will start doing movie reviews again. Well that's all and until next time"Blame is a beautiful thing, baby. Blame keeps this whole planet spinning. You can point your finger at the next man, you can shift the weight onto him, you don't have to carry that shit around yourself. You can slide into bed and get a good night's nap. Yeah, right."
Augustus Hill - OZHello every one... you know I couldn't think of anything to even say this week. I mean I wanted to update the page but I couldn't think of anything to say so I have decided to make it a real quick list of movies that I thought just absolutely positively without a shadow of a doubt SUCK. Well along with the name of the film i will give a brief description, a notable character or occurrence, the cover description, the tagline, and who was to blame in me seeing the film. Yeah the quote above had something to do with this update, and you probably thought it was some cool nugget of information or something right? Well these films are in no particular order and you may see some reviews (longer ones) in the recommendations folder (or the coming soon Movie Review folder). Well Lock and Load....
MOVIE TITLE: GRIM
TAGLINE: This is no fairy tale
This movie is about a monster that appears in people’s houses and takes them hostage couch and all in one case. Also a team of Spelunkers decides to go explore Grim's cave for some reason. And then you know what happens people see Grim, Grim kills people final confrontation.
Interesting tidbit: This movie stars Hero Man who isn't afraid of anything and said things like "So what if it's pitch black and we lost 45 comrades I'm going in with this paper clip and this rubber band to save the cat" Well not in those words but you get the gist.
Who's to blame? This is Kral's fault mostly. At blockbuster we passed it many times but finally we broke down and rented it after he said it can’t be that bad.…
cover: A picture of Grim (the monster)
MOVIE TITLE: WES CRAVEN PRESENTS CARNIVAL OF SOULS
Tagline: Enter at your own risk
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. Think Jacobs ladder with a stupid story and clowns. A girl sees her mother murdered by her boyfriend, (who she decided to go out with after he found the daughter wandering around the carnival at night). And then 15 years later he gets out of jail to kill her and her sister. The woman and the boyfriend end up in a car that goes into a lake and then all insanity ensues, insanity for those who watch it. Seems that the woman can't figure out if she's dead or not. Guess what nobody gives a what.
Interesting tidbit: The boyfriend was a clown in the Carnival and therefore is automatically scary, yeah right. This fruit ball has a mean jab and carries balloons. And he says, "I didn't find you, you found me." When he finds the little girl at the beginning in the carnival, and pretty much every time they talk. You know what I can't think of anything else.
Who's to Blame? This one was all me. I saw a movie in the store called Carnival of Terror and then I saw this at Blockbuster and thought, "Was it Carnival of Souls I wanted to see?" So I rented it and felt the agony.
Cover: The Clown, Balloons, a carnival, Souls in the balloons…….
MOVIE TITLE: THE FEAR
Tagline: He’s whatever scares you the most
Imagine a group of students that want to do a study of fear in the woods in a friends cabin. Now imagine that the cabin has a cigar puppet named Morty that the kid played with when he was younger. Now imagine that Morty comes to life and kills the students by there worst fears. Sounds interesting right? Well let’s say someone’s worst fear is growing old, Morty looks at him or her and they turn old and die. Sound fun still? Well it’s not. O and there is some side story about someone going around raping women.
Interesting tidbit: You know this movie put me to sleep so umm hey I think Tony Todd was in it (The guy that plays Candyman). He was the token black guy, so you know what happened right. O yea Morty moves I think…. And Wes Craven is in it….
Who’s to blame? Once again it’s all my fault. I had a free rental to get so I picked this up real quick like.
Cover: Morty and he’s all splintery.
MOVIE TITLE: PINOCCHIO'S REVENGE
Tagline: Evil comes with strings attached
A toy maker is arrested for killing his son and burying him. He also buries his puppet. A mother, who I think is an attorney, forgets to give her daughter a birthday gift. So somehow Geppetto’s puppet (the toy maker is Geppeto I think if not he is now) ends up in her possession and the kid loves it but it’s not her toy. But she won’t take no for an answer and the killing begins but who is doing it? Is it the Psycho kid or the deranged puppet? Geppetto knows….
Interesting tidbit: The kid was crazy, or just stupid. But besides that watch the ending (why am I telling you to watch this flick?) where the girl morphs into the puppet and then back, that is all, o and the stupidity of the boyfriend and Pinocchio the peeping tom
Who’s to blame? OK it was me. I always wanted to see this and Rumpelstiltskin and after seeing this Mr. Skin might not be getting rented.
Cover: Pinocchio I think and the kid?
MOVIE TITLE: VENGEANCE OF THE DEAD
Tagline: The dead never forget…
Stupidity has reached new heights. A kid goes to visit his grandpa in his old town. Well while flying his plane he comes across a burnt down house. In the ashes lies a golden spoon. Well he takes it and puts it in his drawer well guess what the spoon decides it hates his underwear and goes back home after a pair of ghosts appear. So the intelligent man goes and gets the spoon from the rubble again. Yea I said he went and got the spoon again. Argh.. Well then he winds up possessed and killing old guys by fire, well first he burns a dead body then he kills old guys. But why? Because the dead need Vengeance…
Interesting tidbit: I am not going to lie to you. There are mad interesting tidbits…… This movie contains the famous bike-throwing scene where I almost cursed (I was like what the fu.arggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh). Also the wood masturbation… and the way they decided to show the nudity was dumb, that’s all I can say, wait for the review It’s gonna be wicked. Oh and the aging ghost and the zoot suit and what about the spoon? Does he know what common sense is?… Oh and Pimp has a bad commercial.
Who’s to blame? Kral. We saw the small package and we were baffled. How does the tape fit? He said it’s by Full Moon so it’s good. They made puppet master, but they made Blood Dolls too and I couldn’t watch that movie. So he picked this s&*t and I picked Python that wasn’t that great but this just all out sucked. Worse than COS.
Cover: A skull or a dead person and the little girl ghost. I can’t tell don’t remember and don’t care. But the VHS box is red and it looks too small to fit a movie in it.
MOVIE TITLE: CUT
Tagline: They just have to finish the film... before it finishes them
I admit this movie did not totally suck but i wanted to express my self again about it. A movie was made in Australia and it sucked. And it wasn’t finished because the killer went bonkers and murdered the director. Then he gets killed. Well years later the director’s daughter and her film class decide to finish the movie (even though it sux) even though it has a curse on it. That whoever watches the flick dies. Well the killer comes back and does some killing old school style. So it’s up to the cast to kill the killer before it’s too late. This wouldn’t be so bad if it was a comedy….
Interesting tidbit: OK two words Soldier Boy. Man this guy is like Afleck in Phantoms. He gets skewered and lives while other people die stupidly. O and how can I forget the sex scene lol? O and the light sabers
Who’s to blame? You know I can’t remember who’s Idea it was to watch this….
Cover: The killer and a filmstrip
MOVIE TITLE: BREEDERS
Tagline: I don’t know
Women are getting raped. They all have one thing in common they are all virgins. Lots of nudity occurs and it’s up to a doctor and a cop to try to stop the rapist. And the raped women leave the hospital.
Interesting tidbit: I saw parts of this on Sci-Fi and man was there a lot of nudity. I mean Sci-Fi had to do mad editing then they said forget it lets just blur it out. So they did. And there is a scene of a woman doing aerobics naked. I think she gets raped… Umm this movie is sick
Who’s to blame? My roommate Jase. I was sleep and he said “Hey they are showing naked women on sci-fi. I thought he was joking so I got up and said holy crap. Then we sat trough most of it but it just sucked so we turned and turned back to see the end.
Cover: I can’t even make it out….
MOVIE TITLE: WISHMASTER 3 BEYOND THE GATES OF HELL
Tagline:
The “Djinn” is “back” and “granting” “wishes” this tine on a college campus. A student awakes him. He kills people to get to the chick that let him free so she can make three wishes and set his army free on earth. Also an Archangel appears.
Interesting tidbit: The bike trip scene is good. And the Djinn is shiny…. And his human form is Sean Connery’s son.
Who’s to blame? Everyone that was there that day….
Cover: The djinns eyes and a pentagram
Well everyone it’s getting late and I can’t think of any more movies as of now. Soon I will try to do full reviews of these movies and much more but until then be excellent to each other and party on dudes…..
Perk
"They call me Perk because it's a privilege to know me"
Perkins Out
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Now playing: Talking Heads - Nothing But Flowers
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